Saturday, December 18, 2010

SUBLIMINAL BIRTHDAY MESSAGE: Or, THE CAKE WAS COVERED IN FRUIT!

Today is my birthday, and I'm officially "old." [Though, not compared to this gal.] This is a milestone birthday - one that starts with an "f" and ends in a "y." [HINT: It's more than 10 and less than a million.]

In my early twenties, I never thought I'd live to see such a ripe, old age due to my status as rock princess. Given that career path, I figured I'd burn out well before the end of my 30's. [People in their 20's are SO over-dramatic!] However, here I am, not feeling much older [or wiser] than I did back then.

Easing the pain of this transition, is the fact that my birthday is shared by some seriously mega-awesome folks. After all, other super-cool people sharing my birthday means I'm super-cool, too, right? [Um, no. Not even remotely.] Here are a few of my A-List birthday-sharers:

  • Keith Richards (rock legend)
  • Stephen Spielberg (genius movie maker)
  • Brad Pitt (yum)
  • Paul Klee (awesome painter)
  • Christina Aguilera (too talented and gorgeous to be human)
  • Katie Holmes (Tom Cruz's better half)
  • Rachel Griffiths (Sarah on "Brothers and Sisters")
  • Ron White (damn funny comedian)
  • Betty Grable (quintessential movie star)
  • Brian Orser (Olympic medalist figure skater)
That's a seriously kick-ass group to be a part of, don't you think? [You think you're part of that group? BWAHAHAHAH!!!!]

Due to this "big" birthday, I've been taking stock of my life. [Set up for disaster.] Here's what I've been delicately pondering:

"What is my life for?"
"Have I achieved [even one of] my goals?"

"Where do I want to be in 5 or 10 years?" [Besides napping.]

"Have I been a good mom? Daughter? Sister?"
"What did I do to deserve AA?" (Awesome Agent, in case you don't know.)
"Will I be published before I'm 100?"
"How many minutes has it been since I last ate chocolate?"
"Who stole my Cabernet?"

and
"How long until I lose my teeth and start wearing diapers?"

While in Denver last month, we celebrated my sister, Sharon's birthday. My mom brought out a "cake" that was so beautiful it belonged in a museum next to a Monet. However, it was an impostor cake. By that I mean, it was covered in fruit. Yes, you read that right. THE CAKE WAS COVERED IN FRUIT! [So, it was a fruitcake, like you?] {Yo, SM: That was cruel and unnecessary. I'm old now, which means I can be crotchety and get away with it. I'd watch myself if I were you!} [I'm sorry, did you say something? I was busy listening to the ringing in my ears.] {Grrr! Your dad is a robot and your mom wears fake Ugg boots!! See! I told you I could be crotchety!} [Sorry, missed you again. Am watching House Hunters International on HGTV; retired couple looking for a home in St. John. Fascinating. You should check it out. ]

I looked at the fruit-laden pretend cake and screamed, "Where the hell's the chocolate?" [Clearly, you have no self control.] {Oh, yeah? Well, at least I didn't toss the fake cake across the room and stomp up the stairs like I wanted to! How's that for self-control???} [The rumors I've heard are true. You're beyond help.]

On cue, my mom (the gorgeous woman in the pic with me) brought out a "real" cake - a chocolaty tower of gooey yumminess. What a relief! As we got to the end of the birthday song, I sang, "dear Sharon..." and everyone else sang, "dear, Debbie..." It took me a minute to realize I'd been had. In my family's thoughtful [annoying] way, they'd gotten me an early birthday cake in honor of my "big" [ancient] birthday. I briefly considered asking the cake to marry me, but knew it would be gone before I could say, "I do." So I skipped the nuptials and dug into the chocolate dream like a trapped coal miner trying to free himself. [That's the best visual you could come up with? Horrifying.] {Bite me.}At some point I came up for air and reluctantly shared what was left with my family. After all, I didn't want to be pummeled to death before I actually turned f-f-f-f-f-f, well, old. [Mummy-like]

So, ladies and gentlemen, in honor of my 50th birthday (there, I said it! I'M FIFTY!!!!), I've attached links to two of my favorite things: comedy and music. First, is one of the funniest women alive, Molly Shannon, as Sally O'Malley on SNL, and second is, "Birthday" by the Sugarcubes. How that voice explodes out of such a petite, ethereal, beautiful wisp of a woman is beyond me and proof-positive of the magnificent power of art.

So, Molly and Bjork, take it away!

(
By the way, they say 50 is the new 30, but I hope that's not true. For the most part, my 30's sucked.)

And, to all the wonderful Sagittarians out there, Happiest of Happy Birthdays!!!
[Aw, shucks, go ahead and have a drink on me. You deserve it. But if you tell anyone I said so, I'll deny it.]

{See, I knew you had a soft spot somewhere!}
[Luck pushing = bad idea. Let's just pretend we never had this conversation.]
{Okay, teddy bear - mum's the word! ;-))}

20 comments:

Amy Sue Nathan said...

Deb - I'm certain your fifties will be the reward for your forties! ((hugs))

Vicki Tremper said...

Happy Birthday, Deb! 50 doesn't have to be the new 30, it can be the new "whatever-you-want". Enjoy!

Angie Ledbetter said...

May your big-arse FIFTIETH be the best year ever! (And manyyyyy mooooorrre.) :) I'm a year ahead of ya, so if you're feeling older than dinosaur poop...just imagine how I feel.) xxo

Laurie Lazar said...

Love this post! And if I look and act half as beautiful and cool as you are when I get to 50, I'll be whistling dixie. (Although I'll never be part of the Pitt B-day group..dang) Love the links. And * HAPPY BIRTHDAY * You are officially "Born Again".

Rayna M. Iyer said...

Happy Birthday.
I am going to be another number that starts with an F and ends with a Y next year, and as of now am quite looking forward to it.

And we have chocolate in common. How can a cake have fruit on top?

Caroline Starr Rose said...

Happy birthday, December babe! Mine was Thursday. :)
Here's to your best decade yet.

Kelly said...

Happy Birthday, Deb!! Enjoy!
And totally agree about no fruit on the cake!

Laura Marcella said...

Happy Birthday to you! Happy Birthday to you!! Happy Birthday dear Debraaa!!! Happy Birthday to youuu!!!! Hope you have a fabulous day!

Jeffe Kennedy said...

Happy Birthday!

coffeelvnmom said...

Molly Shannon IS great. And I would have completely freaked out about the fruit cake too! (Uhm, hello... there is no comparison to CHOCOLATE!) Happy 50th, Deb! Hope you have the best year yet!

~Jessica

Vegas Linda Lou said...

Happy Birthday, Debbie! Have no fear--without a doubt, you get better every year.

Every time I think of that smokin' hot bod of yours, I want to pull out my Buns of Steel video. There, that should make you feel better!

Love you. All the best for a wonderful year ahead!

Anonymous said...

You are fabulous. Have a blow away cruise! Love, Suzanne

Mollie said...

I'm Sally o'Malley and I'm FIFTY - FIFTY I said!

Bringing Pretty Back said...

Deb, JUST discovered your blog tonight. LOVE it~! I am going to go spend some more time this Christmas evening reading more!
Have a pretty day!
Kristin

Bringing Pretty Back said...

and HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!
Kristin

Debra L. Schubert said...

Kristin, So glad you found me! And thanks for the birthday wishes. I'll check out your blog as well. ;-))

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
WendyCinNYC said...

I'm late with my comment, but HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

koralee said...

Happy Birthday {late} sweet friend....Merry Christmas {late again}...HAPPY NEW YEAR..early yahoo...blessing of peace...hope...contentment...anticipation and sweet delight for 2011.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxooxoxoox

June G said...

Happy birthday Deb! Wishing you many more...and happy ones too!

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