Yesterday, Ethan pulled out of the driveway and into a new life. His car was jam-packed with electric and acoustic guitars, clothing, cleaning supplies, new bedding, lamps, toiletries, and two TV sets (a big one for the living room and a small one for his bedroom). A brownie pan with the remains of a cake I baked for him perched precariously on the passenger seat. His destination? College at Penn State in Altoona, PA, about a 3.5 hour drive away.
Kurt Cobain's lyrics from, "All Apologies" is on a continuous tape-loop in my mind: All alone is all we are. I've never lived alone before. Ever. I'm on Page One of an entirely new chapter in my life.
While saying goodbye, cruel tears stung my eyes. I felt short of breath and felt a strange emptiness in the pit of my stomach.
He's my baby, the youngest of two boys, and the first to "go way to college." He's also my rock; the person I've relied on most over these last four, painful months.
I feel like a part of me is gone; cut off, never to be found again. I know he'll thrive and become enriched by the educational and social experiences that await, and this fills me with joy and a special pride only a mom can feel. But, there's also an indescribable sadness - similar to when he first went to kindergarten - but deeper; so much deeper.
I love you, Ethan, with all my heart. I wish you great success as you move forward in pursuit of your dreams. Have fun, learn, build new friendships, and take advantage of the many opportunities you'll encounter. (And of course, always be careful!) Thank you for all you've given me. There is no way I can ever repay you.
And, to Chuck: thanks for being my partner in raising our two amazing kids. In a million ways, I could never have done it without you.
IN OTHER NEWS...
Ever wonder when and why you should utilize the services of an editor? The brilliant and beautiful Gretchen Stelter of Cogitate Studios will be sharing her expertise on this very subject on Monday's post. Be sure to check it out. Not only will you not be disappointed (love those double negatives!), but I promise you'll be positively blown away!
Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go have a good cry...