Here I am sitting in bed and writing. So what else is new? Sometimes I think I should get a life, but then I realize this is the life I've dreamed of and purposefully crafted for myself. [What the hell was I thinking?]
Right now, I'm biding my time waiting for AA to get edits to me on Draft #3. They're taking more time than usual, probably due to the fact my writing is so incredible that there are like a gazillion nice things for her to comment on. [Did I mention I just saw a big, purple elephant fly across my room?] Or perhaps she's busy warming up prospective editors to my masterpiece by sending them round-trip tickets to exotic lands like Tahiti and Bora Bora. Either way, I know 100% of her time is being spent on me, me, me and not on her other boring [far more brilliant and less demanding] clients. This knowledge makes me practically giddy! [Firstborns are a bunch of self-involved, annoying brats!]
As my sister, Laurie, says, "Before, after - WOW! What a difference!" I bet you're wondering what's going on with my bedroom? Did you lose sleep over it all week? Sleep/bedroom, get it? [Not funny. No one cares.] Well, since you asked, you'll be pleased to know I've come a long way in the past week. Here are actual before and after pics of my progress so far. (Helpful Hint: If you click on the individual pics, you will see them super-sized, including my kitty, Dusty, and the mountains of tissues in my trash can - bonus!) If you prefer the "before" pic, lie. After all the time and money I spent, I can't let honey know people prefer the bedroom the way it was. That would be bad. Very bad, do you hear me? [Um, you're yelling. How could we not hear you?] The "red" room was fine, I was just tired of it. It screamed out for a new, updated look. I swear the bedroom actually yelled, "HELP! Someday, save me from myself! All this red is making me crazy! Seems my bedroom's a bit of a drama queen. [Correction: The bedroom's female resident is the drama queen. Duh.] I'm quite pleased with the "blue" room. In five years from now [two, tops], I'm sure I'll be ready for another change. Until then, I'm going to luxuriate in my new spa boudoir - relaxing, meditating, and - as my dear friend, Stacia at Sybir St. John, put it - having slow, tantric sex. I'm sure honey will be thrilled by that part, after all it has the word "sex" in it. [Tantric, shmantric. He's a guy. Any kind of sex will do.]
Here's the sad news: I'm suffering from a nasty cold. I've been trying to beat this sucker down with a baseball bat, Vitamin C, and Zicam for the past week, to no avail. It's my honey's fault. [Isn't it always? I mean, wasn't labor and delivery of two children enough?] He apparently took this "sharing" thing a little too far, so now drastic measures are in order: no tantric-or-any-other-kind-of-sex for at least a week. [Seriously? Like that's a punishment? Why not try something different!] The only upside to this nasty cold business is realizing how awesome it is when you're well.
Since I love you, my faithful and very dear followers, I'm going to climb precariously out on a limb and make the following declaration: I hereby promise to post a vlog of myself playing guitar and singing an original song before summer arrives. [Gee, thrilling. We're so excited.] I feel it's important to give back to the community, so I dost bestow a song unto thee. [And then I will part the Seas, saith the Lord. Amen.] After all, I didn't rip my fake fingernails off for nothing, did I? [In the meantime, here's a link to my musical MySpace site. Enjoy!]
So, my little snowflakes, tell me which boudoir you prefer, and send your cold remedies my way. [I've heard chocolate cures the common cold, so I may try a chocolate-only diet for the next few days. I'll report back next week.]
Until then, may peace, love, and general grooviness be yours.