Like my dad used to say when we were little, "Spring has sprung, the grass has ris, I wonder where the birdies is?"
We're not quite there, but we're close enough for rock and roll. You know how I know this? Because next weekend is the beginning of Daylight Savings Time! That's right, folks, we lose one precious hour of sleep [mad partying] in order to gain more daylight.
By the same token, when The Universe snatches away our sacred daylight in the fall, it leaves a crummy hour as a booby prize on a table next to a half-eaten cookie and warm glass of milk. A rotten deal to be sure, but for now, let the sun shine, let the sun shine in, the sun shine in! [You must be naked and theoretically or actually high while reading that last line. Feel free to send pics for my next blog post entitled, My Followers In All Their "Glory"]
So, what are my plans for the spring, you ask? [No one cares,] Well, I'm glad you asked! I've got plans - big ones.
For example, I'm doing a major redo on my boudoir. Yup, a boudoir redo! Isn't that exciting? [Not particularly.] First I took my blog to the spa and gave it a shiny new "do," and now it's my bedroom's turn. I'm on a roll. [Bored to death, need something to give my life the pretense of meaning.] I'm changing out the red, black, and gold for blue, cream, and taupe. I don't know if it's the dreary, impossibly long winter that's thankfully drawing to a close causing my soul to scream for change, or simply my inner-decorating-diva wanting to step on stage, but I'm craving soft, soothing surroundings instead of wild, sensual, passionate ones. [Soothing vs passionate = old.] I mean, I'm not ditching passion altogether - we can still have wild, passionate, hot, well you know [sex] in a calm, soothing environment, right? [Once a month, missionary style, whether we need to or not.] It's just, I'm feeling the need for deep breathing, peace, silence, calmness, tranquility, blah, blah, blah.
This, by the way, has nothing to do with age [total lie] and everything to do with embracing my inner Ghandi. [Good Lord, the BS is flowing faster than the Nile.] As I gracefully mature [never happen], I feel the need for calm and peace in my world. My days of heavy partying are behind me [damn it all to hell!] and it's time to move forward with intention, productivity, and focused desire. [Focused desire? Maybe I should keep the red...]
Are any of you experiencing the need for a simpler more tranquil lifestyle? Has the majesty of your Glory Days passed you by? Do you miss those days, or are you glad they're over? [If you say you're glad they're over, you're either lying or dead.] Are you craving a more peaceful existence? I am. And my bedroom will soon reflect that.
Another thing I'm hoping spring will bring [Dr. Seuss, move over!] is my book submission and record-breaking, 7-figure book deal. No pressure for Awesome Agent or anything, but I would like my book deal to pay off my mortgage and credit card bills before the summer solstice, which according to the US Naval Observatory, will arrive at precisely 7:28AM EDT on June 21st. [AA? Are you still there, AA? I'll give you a Coach bag, remember? And maybe even a matching wallet. It'll be SO worth it!]
[Drama queen alert!] And, then there's that European vacation I've been dreaming of for lo, so many, dreary, long, heart-wrenching years. Isn't it sad that I've never been? I mean, don't you feel extreme angst for me knowing that, at this late stage of the game, I've never been off the continent? [Read my lips: NO ONE CARES!] Okay, so I've been to the Caribbean islands and even the tippy-top of Venezuela, but seriously people, [geographical genius alert] those places are not Europe! I'm hoping one of these days that my honey or AA will make my traveling dreams come true. After all, I think someone besides myself should make my dreams come true, don't you? [No.] I mean, it's only fair. [It's nothing remotely close to fair.]
In review, my Spring Dreams are as follows:
- New and improved, soft, soothing, blue boudoir;
- 7-figure book deal, all bills paid off;
- European vacation.
And don't forget to set the clocks ahead next weekend. Bring on the spring, baby, BRING. ON. THE. SPRING!