Monday, October 27, 2008

Beware! Twisted, Writer's Mind Ahead

NAUGHTY, NAUGHTY GIRL!
I realize, dear readers, that due to all of my highly opinionated politicizing I've been enjoying of late, I have been a naughty, naughty girl! Not only have I slammed The Dynamic Duo to the wall with my amazing wit and insight, but I've almost completely ignored my original reason for blogging in the first place - to shamelessly promote my writing! So, I thought I'd give you a glimpse into the deep, dark recesses of a twisted writer's mind. Enter if you dare...

SPOOKY
First of all, in honor of Halloween, I thought I'd give you a scare. Don't worry, I'm not going to post a picture of myself naked, although that would definitely scare the bejeezus out of you, and that would, indeed, be very naughty. Instead, I'm going to give you a peek inside my mind, which believe me, is ten times more frightening.

WRITER'S FEARS
As a writer, I am constantly confronted with doubts and fears . Am I good enough? Am I smart enough? And, doggone on it, do people like me? Will I ever get published? Will I ever even find an agent? And if I do, will I get a multi-million dollar book deal and get to hob-nob with Lemony Snicket, Stephen King, Ann Rule and Chelsea Handler? And, anyway, what gives me the right to spout my opinions in such flagrant fashion? Did someone die and make me Queen of The Blogosphere? (See, I told you it was frightening in here. Frighteningly boring, that is!)

So, you can see, we writers have deep-seeded neuroses that we try to mine into little pearls of wisdom to propel us along our artistic journey. And, speaking of Little Pearls, I realize that many of you haven't had even the slightest glimpse into my literary masterpiece - the one that was thirteen years in the making - the one that all the international fuss is about.

And so, my friends (good Lord, I've been listening to John McCain WAY too much!), here's a look at a few AMAZING excerpts!

LITTLE PEARLS
First of all, some background:

Erma Bombeck meets Chelsea Handler in "Little Pearls" - a women's humor novel that follows the life of Jenny Shortcake from her early childhood as a Jewish American Princess living on Long Island, to her high-school cheerleading days in Denver, to southern California where she pursued her musical dreams, and finally to a McMansion in the burbs of Philly where she lives as a writer, doctor's wife, mother of two, and most importantly, tireless seeker of fine, red wine.

And now, for the excerpts:

On Marriage:
My marriage is great, although I wish my husband would stop saying things like, "Hey honey, how about a threesome? I'd love to have sex with you and someone just as beautiful as you!" I know he means well and feels this would spice up our love life, which Lord knows, after more than 20 years could use more than some rosemary or thyme. But, hello, I'm female for crying out loud! Doesn't he know if there was another woman in bed with us that I'd claw her eyes out, strangle her to death, and throw her off a bridge? Is sex with two women really worth sending me to prison for the rest of my life over?

On Dealing with her 16 Year Old Son, Alex:
Nowadays, the only time Alex and I get to spend "quality time" together is when he gets home from school. As soon as I hear him come in the door, I can't wait to see him!

Me: "Hi, hon. How was your day? I missed you so much. It's so lonely around here when you're gone."
Alex: "I hate you, mom."
Me: "Really? Was your day that bad?"
Alex: "No, really, mom, I hate you."

I wonder for a minute if I'm back in college. That was the only time in my life when people hated me for no apparent reason. Of course, I was smoking a ton of pot then, and everyone knows that makes you paranoid. But then I look around and realize, no, I'm no longer in college. I'm a married woman with two disrespectful sons, a nice house that we can barely afford, and a husband who hardly knows I'm alive. Things are so much better now!

And then a sweet but distant memory flickers through my mind: Alex at the age of two playing golf with his plastic golf clubs in our living room, a smile the size of Texas crosses his face. "Look, mommy! I got a hole in one!" I was so happy to have such a bright, happy, sweet child. God, new parents are idiots.

Advice On Getting Braces After 40:
My advice to any of you 40-noneofyourdamnbusinesses out there who are considering getting braces is simply this: forget it. Really, just forget it. Let it go. Find another hobby. It's not worth your time, energy, or precious loss of essential chocolate calories just to enhance your ever-aging looks. Face it, your time is over. You've passed the baton on to a younger, thinner, and more straight-toothed generation. Don't make the same gruesome mistake I did. Let me be the one whose mouth died for your sins. You'll be happy you did, and you can thank me later with a super-sized box of dark chocolate hearts on Valentine's Day. (That way, I'll be sure to get something on that special day that my husband always conveniently forgets...)

RECAP
So there you have it. A little peek at my precious, "Little Pearls" (but, please, don't tell my husband!). And since I'm a neurotic, self-absorbed, dark, brooding, artist type who takes every little criticism to heart, please don't be afraid to let me know exactly what you think.

Happy Hauntings, Spooky, Naughty Darlings!

10 comments:

Anonymous said...

oh my God - Debbie! (note that i capitalized God out of respect)....this is funny! i was howling! you remind me of my Icon -Phyllis Diller!

DebraLSchubert said...

Dear "Anonymous" - love the post, but could you let me know who you are? Cheers, D

fudgelady said...

I'll be in line at your first signing! I brake for anyone who can bring the snark --

(P.S.: Definitely stop listening to John McCain.)

Chuck Schubert said...

So, honey, anymore thoughts on the threesome?? Just wondering...

DebraLSchubert said...

Yeah, hon, I've thought about it, and I think you should forget about it! Some things are WAY better in fantasy form! (Trust me, if we lived out my fantasies I'd either be in jail or Princess of an undiscovered island filled with sandy beaches, beautiful waterfalls, and lots of hunky naked men!) Love, D

fellow-ette said...

I can't wait to read the finished work!

Amy Nathan said...

Love what I'm reading -- where is there more? And, are you en route to being published?

Inquiring minds want to know!

DebraLSchubert said...

Amy, I'm currently having my manuscript for my first novel worked on by a copy editor in Denver. Her name is Karen Carter and you can check her out at: www.kccommunications.blogspot.com/
Right now I don't have more of my writing on my site, but maybe I'll upload a few chapters soon. I'd love to get published locally. (Humorous article on women's issues?) I'd love your advice!

KMiller said...

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh - I can NOT wait to buy this book! I knew you had wicked cool jewelry but sassy wit and clever analogies?!? Who knew?

DebraLSchubert said...

k - you crack me up girlfriend! And, don't think that just because you're flattering me shamelessly that I'm going to give you that big, beautiful, turquoise ring, although it would look amazing on you! Love,D

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